EXT. DAY. GENERIC SITCOM STREET SHOT.
Open on a standard sitcom establishing shot, of a pleasant suburban street in L.A., in the sun-scorched Valley. Cars pass lazily as we observe the sign WOO’S CHINESE BONANZA. Atop the Chinese restaurant are a couple floors of probably-cheap apartments.
The sound of a GONG resounds.
INT. DAY. WOO’S RESTAURANT.
Only a few wooden tables are occupied by patrons as we pan across, hearing the clattering of cutlery in the bag and the sounds of cooks arguing in Spanish with a ballgame playing on the radio. There are 10, 12 tables in all and a small bar in front of the kitchen with barstools. The END CREDIT MUSIC to YEAR OF THE DRAGON is droning on to the delight of no one.
Bustling about busily are CHANG WOO, patriarch and owner, and his wife LADY JADE in a stereotypical Asian print dress for the customers’ benefit. CHANG is chopping a DUCK on the bar counter as LADY JADE swooshes out of the kitchen to serve the tables.
CHANG (in a thick Chinese accent)
Duck ready for table FOUR!
LADY JADE hurries back for the entrée and delivers it, then moves on to an adjacent table where a bland WHITE COUPLE is looking at menus.
Say, do you serve SUSHI here?
LADY JADE goes apoplectic, bugging her eyes like 1931 vaudeville…
Sushi Japanese, this Chinese! You get out!
Get out now!
LADY JADE whips out a FLYING SWORD OF THE GUILLOTINE as chases the TERRIFIED WHITE COUPLE OUT THE DOOR.
A GONG resounds as she saunters back to the kitchen, as a man enters, passing the fleeing couple.
ENTER LEX, 40 years old, balding, tubby, wearing a selection from the Monty Capuletti Regular Guy look but with a fooling-no-one WALLET CHAIN.
SOUNDTRACK: FONZIE-AL BUNDY-LEVEL CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.
Another lousy day.
He sidles up to the bar and already CHANG’S busting his balls.
Why you here so EARLY? You work today!
Yeah, amazingly there wasn’t a huge
rush of dudes who wanted to rent 1999 VHS
bush porn on a Tuesday afternoon.
Early? You home EARLY! You owe me
rent two months! You get other job, you
pay me now!
All right, easy there, Tai Pan, you’ll get
your rent check, cool your spring rolls.
(BIG LAUGH from laugh track)
You give me check ON FIRST this month,
not FIFTH! You PAY ON TIME!
Yeah, I’ll give it to you on Day of the Rabbit,
Chang. Do you accept real money or just Yen?
You not funny! You never funny! That’s why
you not make it! You idiot! No wonder my daughter
leave you for black man!
Don’t you have a Golden Child to imprison, or…?
Exasperated but used to this, LEX shines him on and sidles up to the BAR. He puts a COFFEE STIRRER in his mouth.
He dings a BELL.and to his surprise JAMIE, a PIPING-HOT 18-year-old BLONDE GIRL in DAISY DUKES, TIED AT THE BELLY FARMGIRL SHIRT, pigtails, and WHITE FLIP-FLOPS.
CLOSE UP: The COFFEE STIRRER RISES UP IN HIS MOUTH LIKE A BONER, and on the soundtrack there is a RULER SLAPPING sound.
LEX (to camera)
Looks my day’s looking up!
JAMIE is EARNEST AND EAGER and speaks in a CORNPONE ACCENT.
Howdy, y’all? My name is Jamie, how can I
CUT TO: LEX SWEATING PROFUSELY AND MUGGING like Jefferson D’Arcy with GOLD FEVER, breaking out like VAUDEVILLE LEVEL faces.
Oh, you must be Lex, Chang’s son-in-law.
LEX cocks his brow trying to be 007 or Robbie Williams, flashes the lack of ring on his finger…
With a WHOOSH, LADY JADE is behind LEX and over his shoulder in his ear…
If you think twice about it, I cut your baby carrot
into rittle tiny pieeeeeeeces…..
With a WHOOSH she floats backwards like a ZU WARRIOR out of frame.
So, y’all, what can I get y’all?
Gimme a bottle of ANYTHING. And a glazed
JAMIE BENDS OVER to reach for a bottle.
I’d like to glaze YOUR doughnut, honey.
She returns with her finest 40oz of MILLER HIGH LIFE. LEX downs it one pull like Bluto from “Animal House.”
Keep ‘em comin’, sweet thing. When did you start
I just moved to Los Angeles on Saturday. I’m
gonna be an ACTRESS! Yesterday I got an agent
and tomorrow I have an interview with a producer!
They say all I have to do is let them deep-dick all
3 of my holes and I have the lead in a new movie!
Y’all wanna help me PRAAAACTICE?
LEX SPIT-TAKES the CHAMPAGNE OF BEERS like a master fucking Catskillsman.
With the deep-dicking your holes?
No, silly, with my LINES!
I can go over some LINES with you.
He pulls a vial of COCAINE from his breast pocket and LEX and JAMIE are suddenly snorting coke like JEKYLL AND HYDE TOGETHER AGAIN.
Then, a SHRILL FEMALE VOICE
Whaaaaa you doooooooing?
CUT TO: A GLOWERING 29-YEAR-OLD CHINESE WOMAN named MYLEE.
CUT TO: A CLOSE UP OF LEX AND JAMIE IN BLACK AND WHITE IN A POLICE LINEUP WITH POWDER ALL OVER THEIR FACE and superimpose the word “BUSTED” in red RUBBER STAMP.
You DO COCAINE with AMERICAN WHORE?!
Yeah, and later I might butt-fuck her, too.
MYLEE whacks him over the head with an OUT OF NOWHERE FRYING PAN. The sound RESOUNDS.
You stupid man! I OWN YOU! You have NO FREEDOM!
You MINE or I tell my father!
But I don’t even get to fuck you anymore, how am
YOU call THAT FUCKING? Your dick SMALL!
You can’t fuck! You can’t PROVIDE LIFESTYLE
FOR ME! You STUPID! You SUCK! That’s why
I fuck Raheem now! HE REAL MAN!
JAMIE (in fish-eye lens)
Who’s RAHEEM, Y’ALL?
Then a RECORD NEEDLE SCRATCHES and RUN DMC ROCK BOX BLASTS on the soundtrack as the door opens with the RESOUND OF A GONG, and it’s RAHEEM, black guy in 1986 RED LL COOL J HAT and a COSBY SWEATER with two WHITE VIDEO HOS ON EACH ARM.
CHANG, LADY JADE, and MYLEE in tight shot all BEAM with excitement:
CLOSE UP of JAMIE with a RULER SOUND for her LADY BONER. She suddenly has a CHOCOLATE POPSICLE STUFFED IN HER MOUTH, the juices dripping.
Wow, y’all, a black guy!