EXT NIGHT. HOLLYWOOD AND HIGHLAND.
Outside the CHINESE THEATRE, a crowded premiere is wrapping
up. Flash cubes are popping like fucking
vaudeville. Moviegoers are rolling out
of this HISTORIC FIXTURE of L.A.
moviegoing.
THE LEXMAN, 41, wearing a cocked-sideways KC ROYALS
FLAT-FRIM and CAMO SHORTS, WALLET CHAIN, tubby but awesome, ratty beard, is
FIRING UP A WINSTON, looky-looing the exiting patrons, journos, and
HIGH-ROLLERS.
WHOOSH CHYRON, JOHN STOCKWELL-TONY SCOTT STYLE ON FREEZE
FRAME/GRAINVISION:
“LEXG. 41. INTERNET TROLL. FAVORITE CELEBRITY TO WHACK OFF
TO = SCARLETT JOHANSSON.”
CAMERA SHUTTERS CLICK as starlets and wannabes exit in a
Fellini-Stardust Memories surreal fantasia, like some wack calliope music
ambient on the track, maybe like a MUSETTE or some fucking shit.
Then THE MAN OF THE HOUR rolls out, KEVIN SARACI, a doughy,
DON CALFA-LOOKING movie blog stereotypical PC rodjob fucking nerd, 41, in a “PICARD OWNS” T-shirt covered in SAL’S
PIZZZZA-REA stains, smugly smoking a cigarette with a PETER O’TOOLE cig holder,
other TUBBY NERDS all over his dick waiting for his pompous pronouncement.
The CROWD SILENCES as MAESTRO SARACI looks to the divine to
summon something PROFOUND….
SARACI
It
is a masterpiece.
WHOOSH CHYRON FREEZE-FRAME, READS “KEVIN SARACI. BLOWHARD
MOVIE BLOGGER. FAVORITE CELEBRITY TO WHACK OFF TO = SAILOR MOON…..(pause, fades
up) SECOND CHOICE, GLORIA STEINEM.
The crowd APPLAUDS and a little ZITHER RIFF plays on the
track, THE CRITIC having deigned to give approval like a Roman King from ON
HIGH….
Autograph hounds and Junket Whores SWARM Sir Saraci, but
something to the side catches his attention.
He spies LEXMAN, leaning against the wall, cig in mouth,
NIKE AIR ALPHA FORCE wedged up on the wall.
SARACI knows this guy…
SARACI pushes aside the throngs of admirers and the DIN OF
NOISE quiets on the soundtrack to surreal, ambient Michael Mann eerie silence….The
bright lights in the background are in that SMEARY MIDNIGHT RUN
VEGAS-SCENE-VISION….
SARACI
Hey.
LEXMAN
Hey.
SARACI
Don’t
I know you?
LEXMAN
Yeah,
you know me.
SARACI
What
do I know?
WHOOSH CUT TO:
INT NIGHT. BAY-LIT COMPUTER TERMINAL.
LEXMAN typing on a blog with a pic of a FAT GUY WITH HIS DICK
OUT, JERKING IT.
CLOSE ON:
LEXMAN TYPES:
“Your a fag!!! Eat my balls” – Lexman420
WHOOSH CUT TO:
INT. DAY. A WIDE, BRIGHTLY LIT POOL OUT OF A OLIVIER MEGATON
MOVIE.
Classic music, the DUET FROM LAKME is playing, as SARACI is
typing at a huge BANK OF SERVERS worthy of Hugh Jackman in fucking SWORDFISH.
SARACI reads the “your a fag” message, types into his text
box.
“You are blocked, banned, and a sexist, racist, homophobe,”
hits ENTER, then leans back with a knowing smirk.
A GREEK NYMPHET out of FELLINI’S CASANOVA feeds him grapes.
CUT BACK TO:
EXT. NIGHT. OUTSIDE THE CHINESE.
Same as before, read up motherfucker….
LEXMAN
I
know you hate me.
SARACI
Nah,
that’s just a shtick.
LEXMAN
Oh,
yeah?
SARACI,
Presidio-style
Yeah.
LEXMAN
Wanna
cause some fucking chaos?
SARACI
Okay.
Let’s do it.
LEXMAN steps off the wall, flicking the cig away, ROMERO in
ESCAPE FROM NEW YORK style, as IN THE AIR TONIGHT kicks in on the track.
INT. NIGHT. PARKING
GARAGE.
As the DRUM INTO KICKS IN, LEXMAN is BEHIND THE WHEEL of a
1990 BENZ, convertible, TOP DOWN, the lighting some TERMINATOR-BLACK MOON
RISING vaguely ‘80s SOFT FOCUS shit…. SARACI riding shotgun, serious as
motherfucking Rico Tubbs.
When the dialogue kicks in, it’s a little off….
LEXMAN
(doubtful)
Thought
you were kind of a PC liberal pussy?
SARACI.
That’s
just for those pussies upstairs.
PROFOUND PAUSE, COLLINS SWELLS. They fist-bump.
LEXMAN
Right
on.
They roll up to the attendant and LEXMAN has the TICKET IN
HIS MOUTH MCQUEEN GETAWAY STYLE…. The CASHIER is a ZOMBIFIED, bored chick in
BLONDE RINGLETS ‘80s hair. That framing
shit where it RACKS FOCUS to reveal her.
LEXMAN
‘Sup,
hotness?
She CRACKS HER GUM.
CASHIER
$15, guys.
In TANDEM, LEXMAN and SARACI put on some RAY-BAN WAYFARERS,
and LEXMAN flicks a $20 at her with UTMOST contempt.
LEXMAN
Keep
it.
The ARM RAISES and from behind we see THE BENZ roll up, out of
the lot, HANGING ON THE SHOT A BEAT TOO LONG in PURE MANN VISION.
CUT TO:
EXT. NIGHT. HOLLYWOOD
BOULEVARD.
REFLECTIONS of NEON and STREETLIGHTS on the HOOD OF THE
BENZ, CLOSED-UPS OF THE RIMS, front-bumper FRIEDKIN-ASS POV shots as they ROLL
DOWN the BOULEVARD
A LONG PARTY LIMO pulls up alongside them, a HOT CHICK half
out the window, flashes her rack.
HOT
CHICK
Whooo!
Par-TAY!
LEXMAN and SARACI just GLOWER.
Awkward moment as the HIP-HOP droning inside the PARTY BUS
drones as the HOT CHICK loses her smile, pulls her top down and slinks back
inside. The fellas SHRUG.
LEXMAN
Be
more where that came from.
SARACI
Pull
up over there.
EXT. SUNSET BLVD. NIGHT.
The street is RAIN SOAKED inexplicably, the TRAINING DAY WELCOME
TO THE OFFICE SCORE kicks in across a WIDE PAN of them ROLLING INTO….
INT. NIGHT. A LIQUOR STORE.
MIDDLE EASTERN SWAMI MUSIC is BLARING as a foreign man of
indeterminate origin is behind the counter, in DIAMOND DAVE DISTORTO-VISION.
Shades on, LEXMAN and SARACI make a cursory run up the aisle
as a customer buys a Slim Jim, then in ARONOFSKY SEPTIC TANK GREEN SHEEN AND
FISH EYE, SARACI rushes up and WHIPS OUT A SILVER DESERT EAGLE.
SARACI
Open
the fucking drawer, Achnad!
LEXMAN
Oh,
it’s on!
WHOOSH SWING as SARACI swings around for backup and LEXMAN
wheels out a SAWED-OFF, RACKS THAT MOTHERFUCKER THREE TIMES IN QUICK SUCCESSION
in JAGGED THREE JUMP CUTS.
The CAMERA SWIRLS AROUND THEM in that BAY DEAL.
The CASHIER is COWERING IN TERROR as SARACI slams the coin
jar across the register and pushes the gun in his face.
SARACI
Fuckin’
do it, motherfucker!
LEXMAN
You
fuckin’ heard him, bitch! Open it!
An ELDERLY KOREAN WOMAN happens into the ENRANCE.
SARACI cocks his HAMMER.
SARACI
Fuck
out of here, Kim Hye-ja!
The ELDERLY KOREAN WOMAN mugs and begs off in some cartoonisly
looped Uwe Boll-level stereotypical dialect….
SWINGS BACK TO THE CASHIER IN TERROR! WOOOOAH!
SARACI
Empty
your fucking drawer, Dev Patel!
CASHIER
I
do it I do it!!!!!
He frantically empties the drawer, throwing billz at the
SATANIC-EYED SARACI, who scoops it up in a frenzy….
LEXMAN surveys the liquor behind the counter….
LEXMAN
And
gimme a BOTTLE O’ ANYTHING!
CASHIER forks over a Fifth of Jack, the guys scoop up their
treasure and race to the door, WHEN, chilled by the HOLLYWOOD AIR, a figure
appears from behind BAMBOO CURTAINS….
FARIZ, the CASHIER’S wife, emerges, caught off-guard, seeing
her store thrashed and robbed.
FARIZ
(gasping)
What
is this????
She SURVEYS THE SCENE IN HORROR, and OPERATIC MUSIC KICKS
IN, that shit they play in CASINO when the HOTELS TUMBLE DOWN IN DEMO, as she
sees her husband felled by two lowlifes, and we CUT TO….
VARIOUS. MONTAGE.
In HYPERKINETIC NOAH-ARONOFSKY VISION, we see FARIZ emerging
from a VAGINA in a SACRED BIRTH in a FAR-OFF LAND, SEPIA TONE, FAST-MOTION,
quick crazy cuts watching her grow up, a LOVING FAMILY EMBRACING HER in 8MM
FILM STOCK, giving way to A WARLORD WITH A MACHETE, terrified reactions, the
FATHER being HATCHETED TO DEATH, the mother with a RAG IN HER MOUTH WEEPING,
FARIZ as a YOUNGSTER in PRISON GOWN being TORTURED with EL DOCTOR ELECTRODES,
WHOOSH WHOOOSH WHOOSH SWIRL, she is ESCAPING ON SOME EPIC DUNES HORIZON,
TRIUMPHANT MUSIC, NATIVES CHEERING, SHE RAISES A FIST ON A MOUNTAIN TOP, cut to
her BEING FETED BY WORLD LEADERS AT THE U.N., Rocky FREEZE FRAME and NEWSPAPER
CLIPPING “FARIZ NOBEL PEACE PRICE,” RAIDERS-STYLE MAP CARTOON WITH RED LINE OF
HER FLYING FROM “THE MIDDLE EAST” to “LOS ANGELES,” footage of her FROLLICKING
ON BEACH IN FAST MOTION, ATTENDING A COLLEGE – SNAPSHOT of her RECEIVING A
DIPLOMA, SHOOTING A THUMBS-UP, WHOOSH WHOOSH WHOOSH , she’s MARRYING THE
CASHIER, WEDDING PHOTOS, HE’S CARRYING HER! CHEERING, WHOO! CUT TOOOO….
SFX: GUNSHOT!
SARACI plugs her RIGHT BETWEEN THE EYES.
REVERSE WHOOSH, THE WHOLE LAST MONTAGE REWINS in SPEED
MOTION, CUTS TO BLACK, the sound of a FLATLINE RESOUNDS, her life is over, she
is DEAD, all rendered meaningless.
BACK TO:
INT. LIQUOR STORE.
LEXMAN
Dude,
what the FUCK?
SWOOP IN on Saraci….
SARACI
She
had to fuck with me.
Quick BEAT.
LEXMAN
Let’s
go. Let’s go!
EXT.NIGHT. SUNSET.
They race back to the car, some PUNK MUSIC BULLSHIT kicks
in, THEY SPEED OFF! WHOO!
EXT. NIGHT. INSIDE CONVERTIBLE.
SARACI is now DRIVING, and LEXMAN is CHUGGING a KEROSENE
CAN-sized JUG OF DEWARS. They’re
HIGH-FIVING and the EXTERIOR SHIT switches to SPEED-UP Koyananisqati VISION,
RACING DOWN THE BOULEVARDS OF HOLLYWOOD,
CUT IN with SLOW MOTION OF THEM LAUGHING IN GLOWERING THICK
RED SATURATED HELL LIGHTING…..
They head down a SIDE STEET OFF SUNSET, PURE ROBERT ELSWIT
VISION as they ROLL UP on a SUBURBAN HOUSE/
LEXMAN
Fuck
is this?
SARACI
I
got a buddy in here, can hook us up.
LEXMAN
(dead inside)
Right
on.